Sing it along with me, set to that famous hippie tune.  “If you’re going to Bandar Seri Begawan, wear some anti-stoning armor on your body.”

Yes, travelers, phase one of Sultan Hassanal Bolkiah’s decision to bring the fun of sharia law to the East Asian sultanate of Brunei begins NOW.  But don’t let the fact that you might get stoned for kissing someone of the same sex while in country deter you from visiting.  Brunei has a lot things to do.  Probably at least twenty different activities.  Five of them happen to be in the quiet capitol of Bandar Seri Begawan.  Some of them are even free, which is a feat in a country with two hostel options total.  If you find yourself in the BSB, get these five things done.

1.  Try to enjoy ambuyat

“Try” is the operative word here.  Ambuyat is a gelatinous creation of sago powder and water and is the darling of Bruneian cuisine.  I’m not sure what this says about Bruneian cuisine.  The idea with ambuyat is to snatch it up with bound chopsticks, dip it in spicy, vibrant dips, and then down the translucent goo in the same way you swallow your own mucus when you’ve got a rocking head cold.  A few of the restaurants around Bandar Seri Begawan serve the stuff.  You’ll get a crock of goop and a chance to wonder why anyone would ever need so much ambuyat on their table.  Still, it’s a unique experience.  Where else do you get to eat a tasteless, texture-sensation akin to something your own sinuses produce?

2.  Boat around Kampong Ayer

Even though many of the residents of Bandar Seri Begawan own several cars, mansions, and businesses, not to mention they are well tended to financially by the sultan, some of them like to kick it old skool-style and live in shacks on wooden beams above the Sungai Brunei.  Thousands of homes dot the sides of the river, making Kampong Ayer the largest stilt village in Asia if not the world.  To get out to the rickety boardwalks that knit the schools, homes, and mosques together, you’ll need to nab a water taxi.  The boatmen will flag you down from the canals near the day market, Tamu Kianggeh, and the length of the river as they zip about to pick up businessmen and housewives going from mainland to water village several times a day.  I’ve seen people spend 40 Bruneian Dollars to charter a boat for the day but it’s possible with some haggling to get an hour tour of the more interesting sights for around 5 bucks if you share the deck with another river explorer.

What can you see on and around Kampong Ayer?  Well, boatmen are fond of pointing out homes that have fallen into the river, sanitation stations, fire houses on water (no water houses on fire, at least not when I was there), 911 emergency boats, and the roof of the sultan’s 1788-room private residence, Istana Nurul Iman.  Want to get inside the Palace of the Light of Faith?  Visit Brunei at the end of Ramadan and you might get lucky.

If you disembark your water taxi, you can check out the charming little Kampong Ayer Cultural and Tourism Gallery.   A long-haired Malay man will cue up a video for you about the handicrafts produced in the village and there are nice plaques and displays about the history of the community.  Some jaunty world explorer nicknamed the place “The Venice of Asia.”  You’ll have to use your imagination on that one, but Kampong Ayer is a great half-day experience just outside BSB.

3.  Visit the mosques

My, those Bruneians know how to do mosques and they’re open to non-Muslims during certain hours of the day.  There are a few of note around Bandar Seri Begawan, but the two you  must visit are Jame’Asr Hassanil (nope, it’s not Hassanal) Bolkiah Mosque and Omar Ali Saifuddien Mosque.

About 2.5 kilometers outside of the city center, Jame’Asr Hassanil Bolkiah Mosque commemorates the current sultan’s first 25 years of ruling the oil-rich sultanate.  It’s a stunner; the gold domes are resplendent in the intense afternoon sun.  Stroll around the exterior of the mosque to take in the detail of the place and go inside to see an amazing marble interior.  Local buses will get you here from the BSB main terminal.  Signage is clearly posted about routes in front of the bus stalls.  If you miss the bus back, don’t be surprised if a local offers you a ride in his Lexus.  You might as well take him up on it.  You’re unlikely to get assaulted.  Remember that sharia law thingie?  Who wants to lose a hand over smacking a smelly backpacker?

Omar Ali Saifuddien Mosque comes with light shows against its minarets in the evening, rocking music blared over loud speakers, and a concrete replica of a 16th-century royal barge.  You can even board the barge.  For real.  Plus, if you are a visitor there during non-prayer hours, you’ll have the place to yourself.  Actually, if you’re a visitor in Bandar Seri Begawan, you’ll likely have the entire city to yourself.  If you travel to Brunei, you will immediately become a backpacking legend, primarily because most people don’t know Brunei exists and if they do, they don’t go there.  Some people can’t be happy with only twenty experiences in an entire country.  Geez…

4.  Spend a day at the Royal Regalia Museum

What does a sultan do with all the bizarre gifts given to him by various world leaders and heads of state?  He sticks them in a museum.  He wouldn’t want to clutter up his 1788-room palace.  Plus, everyone needs a chance to see a golden arm used to hold up the sultan’s chin during his coronation.  There’s also an exhibit about the early life of the sultan.  You can even see the wedding dresses of his first two wives.  Admission is free and the museum is smack dab in the non-hustling and non-bustling core of Bandar Seri Begawan.  Cameras aren’t allowed in the museum, but I’m such a maverick that I snapped a few pics before respectfully storing my Canon away in a locker.

5.  To market, to market!

Sure, you could do what many of the rich Bruneians do and head to the mega-malls outside of BSB.  Or you can get native with the working-class of Brunei and spend some time in the markets.  There are a few market spots around town but Tamu Kianggeh, across the canal from the bus stop, supplies spicy eats for a buck, dried shrimp, and plenty of smiles.  Feral cats run amok here but you won’t be getting wide-eyed gazes from any hounds.  Word is they’re culled by the city.  Check out some coconut shaving, haggle over wild mango that smells a bit like manure, and remind yourself that even though Brunei is a wealthy country, they’re fairly nouveau riche.  Many Bruneians feel more at home in the maze of stalls in a good old fashioned Malay market.

Bandar Seri Begawan is worth a visit.  You can spend a whole two days there and find something to do for some of that time.  It’s a great stop between Malaysian cities on the island of Borneo and worth ticking off the list of places to see.  Just go before the folks there get too stone happy.

For more on the unfortunate matter of sharia law in Brunei, look here.