People really like to blame others for their problems.

“You didn’t tell me it was your birthday, so I couldn’t remember to get you a gift” or “How was I supposed to know that when your hand was in the blender I wasn’t supposed to turn it on.? One of the best finger-pointing blame games to play is the old, who gave who the venereal disease game. Sure, this happens on a personal level. And really, at the couple level, who ever had the scabs first is the culprit. Plain and simple and itchy, if not downright burny.

Things get interesting when countries start blaming one another for syphilis and gonorrhea and crabs (dudes, the ocean takes the blame for that one). It’s a big whiny whine fest about who to blame when you’ve been dipping that sugar stick into more than one Lik-m-aid flavor pack. You’d think people could pick a flavor and stick to it, BUT NO. You’d think wrong. Humans like fake cherry and purple and sour (the technical flavors of both Lik-m-aid and genitals) in equal abandon. Pick one? Hah. Why not dump them all in a bowl, add a little water and down the sucker? Wait, maybe that’s an orgy…

So anyway, par example, the Europeans get to the New World and kill the shit out of the indigenous people with small pox, a very Continental malady. And then they go home and bitch that because of all their raping, their dicks itch and their anuses (the plural should really be anii) are weeping fluid. But the blame isn’t reserved for those damn infidels in their loincloths and feather necklaces. Oh no.

Germans called venereal disease Spanish scabies. The Spanish called it French disease. The French called it Italian Malady. And we wonder why these countries beat the ever-loving shit out of one another for centuries. No one likes to be blamed for a weeping anus. Not even the Native Americans. It’s just that they couldn’t really protest when they were trying to not get slaughtered on a daily basis.

And the Brits. Oh, those Brits. They, of course, joined in behind the last dude in the French-hating congo line, describing losing one’s nose due to syphilis as being hit over the snout with a French faggot-stick.

So the French retaliated. Actually, they probably retaliated by pissing in jugs of wine before exporting them to Britain, but it’s my blog and I’ve determined that they likely got their revenge for such slander with coining their own term. Avoir les anglaises or “to have the Englishes/Brits” means to menstruate.

Now hold it. It’s okay to blame your crabs and your deformed penises and your hairless balls on one another, but why the hell do we need to drag the beauty and majesty and natural event that is bleeding out your vagina into the war? Huh??

All healthy women have to menstruate, even if they keep their boxes to themselves and don’t go sharing with the entire EU. How come women now need to contend with menstruating out British people thanks to the French? It sucks enough with the cramps and the irritability and now we have to deal with people coming out of our vaginas? Oh, wait, that’s where people come from. Okay, but adult people? Each month?

I’m planting my own flag in the ground on this one. If I have to avoir les anglaises until I’m in my fifties, I might as well bleed out some hot ones.

Always remember, your junk is your own responsibility. Treat it well, don’t go to war over it and always keep in mind that venereal disease is transnational. It knows no borders. It knows no ethnicity. It just likes to make it burn when you go pee.