There are so many synonyms for “making the sex” in the English language that some don’t get the attention they deserve.  Take tup, for example.

I first heard the word escape the mouth of a Darryl Hannah who used her natural gifts of ashen skin and discombobulation to play a ghost in High Spirits.  She was asking a befuddled Steve Guttenberg if he wanted to do the nasty with her.  And she asked him to tup.  My grade school self was all, “eww,” and when I should have been all, “ewe.”

Because tup is a verb that was used initially to describe the lovemaking of sheep.  Get it?  Ewe?

In the ubiquitous English-speaking tradition of borrowing terms of copulation from the animal world, tup is no exception.  Shakespeare delivered a few lines o’tupping himself.  Other animal bonking terms: serve, rut, cover.  Foxes clicket.  Strangely, that one hasn’t made its way into colloquial use amongst

Americans.  It would be hard to get someone to clicket on the first date, not unless you have a bushy tail and red fur.  I wonder what would happen if a boy asked a girl if he could “clicket her” on a desolate length of deer trail next to a briar patch?  I bet the Fleet Foxes clicket.

We even deed our men and women with the names of animals.  Notable monikers: stag, bitch, stallion, harpy.  Harpies are real animals.  I’ve seen whole flocks of them outside doorbuster sales.  Wait, are there any animal names given to women that are complimentary?  Let me think for a minute…still thinking…uh…shit.  That’s tupped up, men!  You know what?  Tup you all!

Tup.  Have you said it yet?  Say it.  It’s fun.  Tup.  In noun form, it means a ram or the head of a steam-driven hammer or the weight on the end of a pendulum.  Basically it’s a bunch of penis connotations.  I like to believe that all words that have “tup” in them are tinted with sexual undertones.  This is a faith-based belief so you need to respect my right to Tupanity, a new theological movement sweeping the suburbs of Omaha and a crescent-shaped sliver of Niger.  Check out this spectacular delivery of tup action:

Holy Tup!  Look at that tup holding that hammer’s tup with his teeth.  He’s going to tup something up with that.  Paid more than a tuppence for that tool.    Gonna open up a Tupperware of whoop ass on an unsuspecting tup buddy.  Goes by the street name Tupac.  Prone to heckling the ewes, telling them, “Shak-ur-tupping bits.”  Total pig, that tup.     

Wow, you just read that?  Don’t ever read that again.  What were you thinking?  You tupped in the head?

But in all seriousness, the word tup is the bee’s knees or more appropriately, the sheep’s hooves.  I challenge you to use it, to incorporate it into your own mental lexicon.  Use it on me.  Wait, that’s dirty.  But use it on someone, darn it.  Tup it.  Tup it good.