I’m going to teach you how to explain away all of your actions for the rest of your life with one simple method.

Really.

Answer your spouse’s query about where all the Chunky Monkey went or why you never went back for your MFA in Creative Writing with ease!  One technique will have you easily baffling your conversational partner in no time!

But first, a tale about a trip I just took.

Austin, Texas.  Home of live music and fine barbequed meats.  I was there for a wedding.  It was beautiful, so was the bride, yadda yadda it doesn’t pertain AT ALL to my blog post.  What does pertain is this: a shirt. What, you’re likely asking, has a shirt got to do with me explaining away my penchant for crooning ballads from the heyday of 1980’s buttrock?  And I answer you this: everything.

The shirt, worn by a man with a military buzz cut and a wiry, red neck (really, he was probably just sunburned and not genetically pre-disposed to redneckery) was printed on the back with this statement:  Cluck You, I’m from Texas.  Okay.  What the hell kind of insult is “cluck you”? Because if being from Texas means you’re the kind of asshole that announces via your clothing choices that you’re an asshole, then why not say “fuck you”? Why the politically correct way of being an asshole?  Unless of course “cluck you” is some sort of thing they do to you in Texas only.  Like Texan fisting.  But with a newborn chick.  Which makes it more like gerbiling, but with a precious, fluffy baby bird. Wow, that guy is really messed up.  I should have told him to cluck himself.

I tell you about the shirt, dear reader, because it represents the general attitude that I ran into whilst I was in Texas.  And that attitude is this: because we are in Texas, anything goes (well, not abortion, but that’s not the topic of this blog post).  In order to protect the parties of the wedding party involved in this Texas-as-excuse party, I won’t name names.  But there were many times during my trip that I would question someone’s views on a topic or their actions, and they would quickly explain it all away by saying, IT’S TEXAS.

“So, looks like you’re not sober enough to drive.  Don’t you think I should drive or we should get a cab?”

“Nah, it’s Texas.”

So here is what I’m wanting to teach you fine folks. The Texans have discovered the key to explaining away everything for all time.  Simply state your geographical location and BAM, instant excuse.  It defies all logic and reason, sure, but it’s easy.  And I figure it can be used either on a macro or micro level.  Let me demonstrate.

“Gee, humans really like to kill one another via wars and politics and downright open genocide.  Also, the air in China is like a gaseous representation of your black, dead souls.  And you’re burning down the rainforests, asshats.”

“It’s Earth!”

OR

“So you’re telling me that you’re not moving one more step until you can get a cherry Pop-Tart and a Diet Coke in your hands in the next five minutes?”

“It’s the sidewalk at 9th and Grove Street.”

Do you see?  Do you see how easy and all-powerful and all-confounding it is?  Why haven’t I been using this technique for the entirety of my life?  It would have saved me precious brain power trying to come up with logical explanations to my actions and opinions.  Now, all I do is state my current position in space and I’m set.  And you can do it now, too.  Thanks, Texans, for showing me the light.  And now I can show all of you.

Why?

Because it’s my writing office.